So I was sitting down tonight going through some old pictures and suddenly realized what was meant by the expression “a picture is worth a thousand words”…..
I look back at those pictures and think about how much has changed. How it was, and how it is now, and everything that went in between. To have been in a place where I felt loved, really felt that I had the world in my hands, had it all figured out, and then to fast forward to a place where I know I am loved but don’t feel it, realize that God’s got the world in His hands not me, and figuring out that I really haven’t got much of it figured out at all.
I look back and it’s like looking into a movie, a life that was different all together, even a person that was different all together. I miss some things, I miss knowing there was a person there who loved me. I miss the little things, the comforts of my own home, my pets, the routines. Talking in the morning while getting ready, or on the drive home from work. I miss the excitement I shared while talking about the future, and what things we would do and planning a life.
I think on a lot of things, remembering so much in just that moment looking at that picture. Remembering times well before and after the photo was taken.
My life, as I had built it to that point was, as far as I knew, where I wanted it. It was going in the direction that I thought I wanted to aim towards. Everything seemed to be right in the world and although there were issues, they were handled as a team and therefore felt like they could always be beat. I remember thinking that even if we had to live in a cardboard box under the bridge it would be ok as long as we were together.
A whole life built over years, focused on what was important to me. I aimed for perfection, and financial gain. I prided myself in my accomplishments and in how well I had put my life together for someone of my age. I felt so lucky to have found love along with success. What a combination for someone to enjoy. I reached and tried and grabbed and acquired more possessions, more fun, growing a ‘life’ that I had designed for myself. The ideal was set, the goal in place and every morning I focused my eyes on it and went for it. Every decision made, every thought processed was one step closer to this end goal.
As I look back, looking at myself, I see that I was constantly driven by this goal that kept repositioning itself to a new level. Whether it was a bigger house or newer car, or whatever the case may be, I was focusing on a moving target that I could have never reached, but I was happy with the pursuit. It made me feel like I was constantly chasing something, even though I never really realized that it was not attainable.
Looking back I wonder, was I really happy? I was at the time, as happy as I knew. Happiness is really an individual thing when you think about it. We aren’t all made happy by the same things, and we never can really know that we can be happier until we get there. If happiness is represented on a scale of 1 to 10 and you’ve only ever experienced an 8 that’s as happy as you think there is right?
Then one day it happened, in a moment my world changed, my focus switched, and my goal was fixed.
In an instant I saw that the things I had built for my life were never going to make me happy. That things, possessions, money, cars, houses, success…none of it could do it. I could never reach that moving target, and could never really finish the race I had put myself in.
In that moment I had to decide whether I keep pursuing my moving target or set my eyes on one thing that has and will always be constant, God.
Agree or not, I made my decision, and in a moment decided to focus on God as my ultimate goal. God doesn’t change, He is constant. Pursuing God is pursuing something solid, something that I can reach, that I can attain, daily.
I look back and see the path that brought me to where I am right now, sitting here writing this and I see a lot of things.
I see people who disagree with me, I see people who agree but don’t understand, I see people who support for their own selfish reasons, for their own comfort, and people who bash my for how I’ve decided to live my life. With all that being said, none of it matters because my eyes are set on the goal, and no matter what any of those people may think of me, or of my decisions, God is the only one who will judge me. His approval is what’s important, not that of anyone else.
I am not perfect, and I don’t try to pretend I am. Just because I have decided to live my life for God, to focus on Him, doesn’t mean I have it all figured out, in fact, like I said before, if anything it means I have less figured out than I thought I did.
People say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I suggest you try it. I wouldn’t trade that I loved, I wouldn’t trade my life, or any part of it, because it has made me who I am today. That being said I know there are painful times that I would have liked to have avoided.
I am not where I need to be, but I’m not where I used to be either. Life is a journey, God’s goals for me are ones that are fixed, not moving, and God is faithful.
I have lost friends on this journey, but I’ve gained family, and that seems like a good trade to me. Some would say that the friends I lost were obviously never friends at all, but I disagree. I say that because I still love them dearly, they are people who may have only been in my life for a moment, maybe some would call them fair weather friends, but a moment can be a powerful thing and impact our lives.
The family I have gained are people who support me, pray for me, with me even, they are there when I need someone to lift me up, and are there when I need a good kick in the behind. God is good. I am surrounded in fact, by people who love me, who are good to me, and who are genuinely concerned for me, for my life and for my faith.
I lost things, a lot of things, but have gained the security that comes from knowing that they are just things. I used to cling to things as a source of comfort but I discovered that in my darkest moments in life, none of those things could bring me any comfort. I found out that things really are JUST things, but that what is important in life are the things we can’t see and touch, the things we feel in our heart.
I learned that pride really does come before the fall. I have also learned what it means to be blessed, it’s not something we can attach a monetary value to, or something that we can measure with things. Being blessed is having that feeling of assurance that God is God, that He will provide, that he loves me, that he cares about my well being. That is being blessed.
So I look back on the moment that changed it all, that turned my focus, that was a deciding moment in my life, and I realize the power that a moment has.
Sometimes I treat moments in life with less respect than they deserve, but I am coming to realize that a moment has the power to shape who we are, who we become. A moment can take away, and give so much. A moment can turn us from one direction and towards another. A moment can take love, or give it. A moment can make us feel like the world is in our hands, or make us see that we’re in God’s.
I think all these things, and I am suddenly humbled by life. By the sheer incredible thing that we live every day. It’s amazing the power that is in life, in emotion, and in a moment.
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